One down....

This is the end of my first month of resolutions.  Worked out of a total of 14 hours and lost 10lbs.  Not bad!!!  I really feel like I'm taking it a day at a time or sometimes a single decision at a time.  I used to think that every day was all or nothing.  Either I was "good" or "bad."  And when you're bad why bother trying to be better for that day, you've already failed.  This fed back on itself and just made me more and more unhappy.  I'm not used to failing.  I have worked so hard for my professional life.  It's not perfect, but I've met every goal.  I just find it so strange that I can't get it together in my personal life.  The excuse I often used was "all my abilities were consumed by school/work."  What a load of bull.  There are plenty of people who do well professionally and have a healthy lifestyle.   I used food to reward myself, but also to punish myself.  It's not just bad food choices.  It's thinking I'm not worth making good ones.  Why should I bother to take care of myself outside of work because I don't have value as a person outside of work?  Well, I've decided I'm a daughter, sister, and friend. I may not be perfect, but I can be better.  And even if I'm not perfect--sometimes jealous, angry, shallow, or awkward--I'm still worth taking care of myself.

Two person assembly required---a challenge for the single girl

In my continued pursuit of good health and the ultimate goal walking/running a 5k this year, I just bought a treadmill.  I had a friend and her truck help me pick it up from the store.  After she left, I opened the box and faced the phrase: "two person assembly required."  Can I just say as a single girl that is perhaps the most annoying phrase. 

Someone once asked me why I didn't have a real Christmas tree.  There are a few reasons--cost, ease, convenience, allergies, and being single.  It takes two people to set up a Christmas tree.  You can't put a Christmas tree in a stand with one person.  It's a two person job.  I have moved, put Christmas lights up, hung pictures, and changed a tire by myself.  However, I have no idea how one person can put up a Christmas tree.  All my friends have their own families, so I'm the odd girl out.  Whatever, I like my fake, single person assembly required tree.

So I open this treadmill with all these good intentions and see two person assembly required.  This time, I said f*** it.  It took me an hour, a few bruises, and some ingenuity, but this single girl assembled that damn treadmill all by herself!!!

Now I just have to use the thing :)

Moving On

So I've started again this year.  So far I have been very good about working out and eating better.  One day at a time and sometimes one choice at a time.  I chose to start when I was on vacation because I would have more time.  It's hard to start a new healthy habit (which does take time) when you're already exhausted from work.  So worked hard during vacation.  Felt good and saw some results.  So imagine my surprise when Monday, after getting up at 5am for work and getting home at 7pm, I was looking forward to working out.  I think this is maybe the first time I have ever felt excited to workout. 

Past Hurts

So I have now researched every weight loss plan imaginable...except those I know are a bunch of crap (liquid diets, etc). I've tried  pre-made meals, calorie counting, Adkins, and South Beach.  I'm currently on Weight Watchers and seems like it might work for me.  I researched Overeaters Anonymous and a few things on their website struck me.  I do think I'm letting past experiences influence me even today.  For example, I haven't told a single person I'm trying weight watchers, because I've always failed in the past.  My dad recently tried to talk to me about my weight and the health consequences.  He was trying to be supportive, but all my past instincts came up and I was so angry at him.  So this is to purge a few things from my past. 

I hated junior high.  I had been skinny until the 5th grade, then began gaining weight after having multiple orthopaedic surgeries.  I started junior high overweight and quickly gained enough to be considered obese.  I was the socially awkward and geeky kid.  Naturally I was a favorite target for bullies.  I became more and more depressed and heavier and heavier. 

When I was in 9th grade I received anonymous notes in my locker telling me to kill myself.  They were addressed to Ms. Obesity and would tell me how worthless and disgusting I was.  The writer asked why I didn't just kill myself now?  This went on for several weeks.  I don't even remember how many I received.  They were mostly the same--calling me names and recommending I kill myself because the world would be better off without another fat girl.  I really considered it.  I was already depressed and this was almost the last straw.    Honestly, the reason I didn't try was because I was afraid to fail.  Bad enough to be the fat, geeky, awkward kid, let alone the girl who tried to kill herself.  I couldn't think of a way that would be guaranteed, wouldn't hurt, and wouldn't be traumatic on whoever in my family who found me.  Guess being geeky and over analyzing everything is a good thing.  Why am I bothering to drag this up??  Well, because up until three years ago I had NEVER told anyone.  I mean no one.  Didn't tell my family.  Didn't tell my best friends.  It took me almost eight years before I could tell anyone.  And I still have never told anyone how close I came.  I was and still am so ashamed.  Ashamed that I received these notes and ashamed that I considered suicide. 

I still don't think I'm ready to share these details with family.  I hope that by putting them down here I can finally let go of this experience.  I don't want it to haunt me forever.  I don't want to give those people continued power over me.

New Year Resolutions

So my grand plans starting in October......sort of came to crap.  Didn't diet and didn't exercise.  Sort of sucked.  So I'm going to try this again.  And really as many times as it takes for me to get it.

New Years Resolutions
1. Loose weight--seriously
2. Pay off credit cards--hopefully succeeding at #1 will help by not eating out
3. Floss daily--because I'm sure as hell not giving up coffee which was my dentist's other request
4. Remove makeup nightly and moisturize--that's right, I often just roll into bed after brushing my teeth
5.  Run a 5k--again refer to #1

And really the overall goal, which will hopefully be accomplished by 1-5 is to be happier.  I mean I'm going to keep working my ass off and putting up with politics and personalities at work, so my life should not be a mess.  Right??  Here's hoping for 2012.