Past Hurts

So I have now researched every weight loss plan imaginable...except those I know are a bunch of crap (liquid diets, etc). I've tried  pre-made meals, calorie counting, Adkins, and South Beach.  I'm currently on Weight Watchers and seems like it might work for me.  I researched Overeaters Anonymous and a few things on their website struck me.  I do think I'm letting past experiences influence me even today.  For example, I haven't told a single person I'm trying weight watchers, because I've always failed in the past.  My dad recently tried to talk to me about my weight and the health consequences.  He was trying to be supportive, but all my past instincts came up and I was so angry at him.  So this is to purge a few things from my past. 

I hated junior high.  I had been skinny until the 5th grade, then began gaining weight after having multiple orthopaedic surgeries.  I started junior high overweight and quickly gained enough to be considered obese.  I was the socially awkward and geeky kid.  Naturally I was a favorite target for bullies.  I became more and more depressed and heavier and heavier. 

When I was in 9th grade I received anonymous notes in my locker telling me to kill myself.  They were addressed to Ms. Obesity and would tell me how worthless and disgusting I was.  The writer asked why I didn't just kill myself now?  This went on for several weeks.  I don't even remember how many I received.  They were mostly the same--calling me names and recommending I kill myself because the world would be better off without another fat girl.  I really considered it.  I was already depressed and this was almost the last straw.    Honestly, the reason I didn't try was because I was afraid to fail.  Bad enough to be the fat, geeky, awkward kid, let alone the girl who tried to kill herself.  I couldn't think of a way that would be guaranteed, wouldn't hurt, and wouldn't be traumatic on whoever in my family who found me.  Guess being geeky and over analyzing everything is a good thing.  Why am I bothering to drag this up??  Well, because up until three years ago I had NEVER told anyone.  I mean no one.  Didn't tell my family.  Didn't tell my best friends.  It took me almost eight years before I could tell anyone.  And I still have never told anyone how close I came.  I was and still am so ashamed.  Ashamed that I received these notes and ashamed that I considered suicide. 

I still don't think I'm ready to share these details with family.  I hope that by putting them down here I can finally let go of this experience.  I don't want it to haunt me forever.  I don't want to give those people continued power over me.